it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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