I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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