My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
