last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
