I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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