i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
