Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
