No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
