I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
