I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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