You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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