There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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