Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
