My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
