i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
