sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
