He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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