I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
