i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His nipple licking is glorious
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