I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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