I wanna bring you to show and tell
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
