we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
