I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
