Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
