apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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