You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
