I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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