I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
