my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I want is dick and wine.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
