u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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