I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
