You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
