So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
