tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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