he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
being pregnant is like rehab
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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