Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
