Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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