You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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