I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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