I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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