ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
