Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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