Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
