I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
