I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
