Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
