u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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