She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
