I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
