I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
